She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
