two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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