just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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