the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
