so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
