I wish I only lived at night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
