when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
