He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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