She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
