this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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