i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
