I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
