i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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