I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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