yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
