Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
