Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
