genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
