When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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