Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
