you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
