Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
