so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
