I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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