so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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