I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
