man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
