I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
