I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
