Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
