No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
