I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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