The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
