Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
