Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
