I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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