i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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