Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
