I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
