you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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