it wasn't lemon gatorade
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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