I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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