If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
