Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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