Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
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Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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