I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
