apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
