Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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