my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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