she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize