in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
