I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
