Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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