I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
