If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
