all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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