Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
