I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
