What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
